Greetings, bonjour, what’s happening
Welcome to Lager Time. What’s been going on? Worldcup, Christmas kicking off, it’s like two important people trying to have a conversation with me, at the same time, in the same room, of the same house, which might be falling apart? Love it, mate
As is the case recently, episodes are inconsistent at the minute. Number of reason for this. One of, is this EP, Toast In The Machine, which is out now, on Bandcamp, for a mere £5. It’s five tracks, I’ve produced it all myself. If you like, alternative, electronic rap music, I guess, it may well be up your street. I’ve submitted it for digital distribution, which is Spotify and all of them, and I was hoping it would be out on Friday but it’s out of my hands, mate, stay tuned, I’ll let you know when it’s all up. Alternatively, you can subscribe to me on Spotify and Apple and all of them, where you can also get this, Lager Time and hear me spitting on a bunch of other tracks.
I guess the main reason why the episodes have been inconsistent, is because they’re now taking me longer to both write and produce. The stories themselves, are becoming more and more elaborate and have gone from being almost 100% accurate, to that familiar blend of fact and fiction, which I’ve done for years. Not intentionally, it just seems to have gone that way the more fun I have with it. So I’m thinking I’ve gotta start doing this every other week, which is pretty much what I’ve been anyway, this last month.
So this month, will be the second part to the Date With Mates story. Hope yous all enjoy
Have a great week
Until next time
Satellite Stories – Ep 5 – A Date With Mates PART 2
It must’ve been well over an hour after the girls were supposed to meet us, all of us, subtly, checking our watches, but no one audibly making a fuss that they were late and we might be being mugged off.
We decided to bop down to the bowling alley, in case they were already there, holding that simultaneous emotional dissonance, of hope and humiliation, like attending school, knowing that we’re all going to come out of it... with something.
We headed down the Broadway, towards the old high street, passing Index and The Games Workshop, where inside the window we spied a few bods from our year, like Andrew Wang and Wayne Jones, painting figurines or whatever it was they did in there. Wayne Jones waved and nudged Andrew Wang to look in our direction. Rich then made a wanker sign at them, followed by Pidge and they both laughed. These boys were the bottom of the hierarchy in our year, so even Pidge got to lord it over them a bit. I joined in too, making a half-hearted wanker sign; like my hand was shy. I caught Vee-Jay’s eyes looking at me, which carried an air of disappointment, triggering a slightly unpleasant feeling in my chest. Veejay, on occasion played football with these boys, the social hierarchy was a delicate see-saw, easily tipped, and none of us had enough weight to counter-balance a negative force. And Vee-jay was right, I felt bad, those boys were alright really, it’s just that none of us understood any of that stuff they were into; at least they had something to distract them from the inevitable spirt-crushing disappointment of being a young, teenage-geez trying to get some feel-ups, with about as much swagger as a badly drawn 6-knuckle fist, flipping the bird on the back of a cheap denim jacket.
Passing from the 60’s concrete grey and into the old town centre, where the oldish buildings were, we arrived outside the bowling alley, to see our three, female accomplices just coming out the main doors holding shopping bags.
‘Oh my god where have you wankers been??!! We’ve been waiting for ages. Helen’s mum almost got a parking fine for overstaying!!!’
I immediately felt guilty and wanted to apologise.
‘Sorry’
But, wait, for what?!
‘What you talking about?! We’ve been waiting outside C&A for proper time’’
Go on Rich, that’s why you’re in charge. Natalie responded
‘C&A?! You never said C&A, we said Debenhams! We were stood outside fucking Debenhams for twenty minutes waiting for you dickheads’
Shit Rich, that’s why you aint an alpha… But then I thought about it for a sec. Debenhams? Twenty minutes? Debenhams, or C&A, regardless, of the rendezvous, they were still late and moving the goal-posts! Why would we say meet outside Debenhams, it made no sense?! Debenhams was all the way over the other side of the Mall, none of us even suggested Debenhams. Debenhams was where you went with your mum, during the holidays for the Blue Cross sales, hoping you didn’t get clocked. This was most likely a class issue. C&A was probably to down-trodden, and probably too close to McDonalds, with all those wide boys stood outside, spitting on the floor, smoking and occasionally wearing jackets with FUCK YOU written on the back. I duly noted that were carrying various shopping bags, Tammy Girl and Debenhams. Debenhams. Of course, I said nothing. I played it cool. But then I could feel the faint draft of righteousness whirling up in my belly. Go on son
‘Yea well we like didn’t like know it was like Debenhams yea, and plus like we couldn’t like go cos like there because Kells is like banned yea and we were all early and like, why have you got like shopping bags if you were waiting?’
Then Lauren cuts in
‘Well listen we’ve wasted enough time, so lets get in there and play and you boys should pay for the first game, but I need to go and tell my mum to pick us up later, seeing as you’re all late.’
Shit, did she aim that at me? She wasn’t looking at me, in fact she was looking at the other two girls and I swear she almost laughed.
‘Wait, where’s your mum then?’
‘My house’
Go on Pidge
‘What’s that?’
‘oh nothing’
Helen sternly pointed out
‘She’s right behind you’
And low and behold, parked up, no more than five meters from where we were stood, was Lauren’s Mum, in a maroon Renault Espace, and directly in line with her eyesight, was the back of Pidge’s denim jacket. FUCK YOU Lauren’s mum. She had a scowl on her face, I doubt she saw marriage material, in any of us.
They headed on in and us boys had a quick huddle, knowing we now had to pay for the birds. I had an extra £5 with a few squids, and Rich had a £20 note, between us we hoped and prayed, it would be enough.
We followed them in then stopped and decided, forced Pidge to put his jacket inside Veejay’s bag with the jazz-mags, it was for his own good; Pidge still insisting that people would like it. It was biro. What was he thinking? We made him put it in the bag.
As soon as we walked into that entrance, we suddenly stood taller, shoulders went back and swung side to side and slowly bowled through, faking it till we made it. It was always a bit hairy, being a young teen, in a town like this, at the bowling alley on a Saturday. It weren’t just appealing for young teens and families of all persuasions, with all the flashing lights of the arcade machines, loud music, sticky carpet, fag and jonny machines; it was a magnet for any aspiring wideboy who fancied themselves as a sharp-shooter on Time Cross or a knock-out artist on the punch machine; so I felt on my guard, we all probably did. Rich was the only one out of us who had a bit, and even then that was doubtful. It was at times like this, where you wanted someone like Kells, or Gareth about, boys that could front and back it, who held a bit of respect.
The girls were waiting by the desk and had already arranged a game, they were just waiting for us to pay, and exchange our prised trainers for those horrible bowling shoes, at least it was a leveller and we all had to bare the shit footwear. We squared up, and the young geezer behind the counter gave us this knowing look, like a little nod. He was young in terms of life but old to us, maybe late teens and must have seen a ton of young pretenders desperate to get off with some chicks, walk that inevitable road to disappointment; it was a right of passage; I felt like he was saluting us.
Pidge insisted we didn’t use his name, Pidge, when we typed in the names on the machine, before starting the game. Veejay had assumed the administrative roll of setting it all up, he was heavily dyslexic but insisted, and of course typed in Pidge, the only name he did spell right, so it appeared on screen, really pissing Pidge off. 3-0 to Veejay; as we all laughed at Pidge, until Helen intervened
‘ahhh, we are you lot so mean to him, ahhhh, poor Pidge’
We immediately went quiet, stupefied, especially Vee-jay. 3-1 and I could see Pidge blush a little bit.
Either side of the machine, were the two 80’s sofas, made of cracked and ripped tan faux leather, we’d immediately split ourselves, girls on one side, boys on the othe,r I was purposely remaining cool around Lauren, by being as physically as far away as possible form her, within the confines of our designated bowling section; hoping that she should eventually want to talk me, as I was intriguing and mysterious and thoughtful and cool. Instead, she was talking to Natalie about some bracelet she’d bought in Tammy Girl.
Rich was first up and he delivered confidently, knocking down 8 or so of the pins. I was jealous of his confidence, even if it was forced, and his competency with the ball, but weirdly quite proud of him too; I was living vicariously through his achievements; we all probably were. Natalie then stepped up, holding the ball with two hands as if she was going to do an underarm throw, bent right down and luzzed it straight into the gutter but all the while, looking like she was having the time of her life; she immediately cracked up, as did the other girls, couldn’t argue with that.
Pidge was next, he stepped up with an odd technique where he ran at it from the side
‘What the fuck is he doing?’
We were cracking up, as he ran up and let go of the ball but it weirdly seemed to work, as he knocked all but one of the pins down and then completed the half-strike.
‘Go on Pidge.’
He rose a foot taller after that and I saw Veejay sink into his seat a bit, 3-2. I wondered if Pidge was regretting putting his jacket in Veejays bag.
Helen was next, she put the gullies on the side of the lane and slowly bowled one of the super-light orange balls and managed to knock down a couple of pins, swiftly followed by Veejay who seemed far too rushed to get up
‘Watch this, boys’
He chose the heaviest ball and flung it straight into the gutter, he was visually pissed off and had his heads in his hands, crouched down; 3-3.
Lauren then arose from her seat, looking as focused as a sniper on a rooftop, target in sight; Go on girl. I’d never seen anything like it. She selected her ball, closed one eye and measured out her bowl, then sent it fast down the lane, even remaining in the sightly crouched pose for a few seconds, like TV snooker players once they’ve sent a shot, mouthing something under her breath, not long after releasing the ball. The shot was a bit wayward but she still managed to take down a few of the corner pins. I wasn’t sure what to make of her seriousness; if anything it was a bit of a turn off; but she was good, though, but serious!
Then it came to my turn; just as I got up, trying to look cool, like a drunk person trying to act sober; Pidge said to me;
‘Don’t fuck it up, bruv’
With anything like this, bowling, pool, darts, taking penalties at football, being picked on in class by teachers, demanding I answer difficult questions; this could easily go the wrong way. I had some sort of ability, that meant that sometimes I could pull off a good bowl, pot, throw, kick, correct answer; but when the nerves kicked in, and those horrible chemicals suddenly flood the blood stream, it was like my body would go partially numb and the voices in my head became deafening and often times, knowing I had to do it, I’d just, sort of, close my eyes and hope for the best, praying that my body knew what to do.
I selected my ball, a medium-green-ball with some 80’s marble like effect, reminding me of boiled sweets. Slotted it into my right hand, thinking there was multiple pairs of eyes watching me, I stepped up to the lane… and tripped; I didn’t quite fall but I almost went down
‘She fell over, she, she, she, she fell over’
Came the chant from Rich with Pidge on backup vocals, cackling away. I smiled and tried to laugh with the boys, act cool, because cool people just ride it out, I’m cool, sort of. I didn’t know what I was doing, how do you do this again? Do you swing your arm back and then let go? Ok Swing your arm back. I tentatively stepped up to the lane, like walking into the headmasters office when you’ve been in trouble, sort of put my arm back and then my body took over, like a malfunctioning sat-nav and sent the ball straight into next-doors lane. The boys were cracking up. Lauren wasn’t even looking at me, Helen goes
‘Nice shot’
I laughed with them again and played it cool
‘haha yea, it’s cool it’s cool, I’m just playing it cool’
We cracked on. The game went pretty fast, I mentally cocooned myself, was still convinced that I was indeed, still playing it cool. Though Veejay was quiet, he managed to get into his stride a bit, Rich took a few fumbles but Pidge was leading and I saw a whole new side to him. Natalie clearly didn’t care and had taken to bowling balls backwards, or whatever else took her fancy. Helen would bowl so slowly, but steadily picked up points, where’s Lauren could get a strike one go and then zero on the next, proper erratic form.
All the while, the girls seem content to talk amongst themselves, even with Rich trying to bring them into conversation, sometimes they reciprocated and sometimes they didn’t, forcing Rich to go down the Natalie route and start doing crazy stuff to get their attention, like bowling through his legs, which seemed to amuse them; though I don’t know if they were laughing at him or with him, you never did, that was the problem. It kinda worked, though, as they stopped noticing when I stepped up to bowl and I managed to get a few fairly decent rounds in and regain a slither of dignity.
Meanwhile, Pidge was flying, killing it, so much so, that while Veejay was taking his go, Pidge decided to cross the threshold and move over to their side of the seating arrangement. What was he thinking? Pidge, don’t do it, you’re not ready? What was even worse, is that he sat next to Lauren and she had no problem with this, and was engaging him in conversation! About music, and clothes! What?! I was way cooler than Pidge, who does he think he is?! Pidge must’ve been the catalysis for total societal chaos because then, Helen and Natalie crossed over the threshold to our side, with Natalie sitting on Rich’s lap and Helen sitting next to Veejay; hugging him; Pidge didn’t bat an eyelid, he was too busy chatting away with Lauren. What madness was this? I played it cool, by trying to be cool, and just sitting there, not knowing where to look.
I’d stepped up for my go, and managed to score a half-strike, feeling well pleased myself, I turned round, arms out in celebration; to see no-one paying attention, they were all busy, doing what looked like flirting?! This is bullshit, mate. I decided to take a trip the carzy.
‘I’m going toilet, don’t take my go’
No one responded, as I stepped away from our temporary portal of hormonal confusion, I heard a voice.
‘Oi oi’
Shit. Kells appeared out of nowehere, my heart jumped, thinking this is the last thing I need. His little crew of disciples weren’t with him, though. Where were they? And what was he doing on his own?
‘What you up too, bruv?’
Shit, he wants in.
‘Bowling mate’
‘What with them lot?’
He gestured to everyone behind me
‘Yea’ I said
He then stopped, paused then smiled. This wasn’t good.
‘Is that pidge? And that Lauren bird?!’
I turned round thinking that Kells was referring to the over confident, snidey sit-down-and-talk tactics of Pidge, to see that Pidge, was fully getting off with Lauren, and suddenly my fear went from hoping that Kells wouldn’t come over take the piss out of Pidge, and ruin it for everyone, to suddenly hating Pidge, the fat prick.
‘Yea, he is, the fat prick’
Kells paused again and eyed up the situation. These pauses of his were like a life sentence.
‘Chill out bruv, d you fancy her or something.’
‘What? No’
‘Fair play to Pidge the fat cunt, didn’t think he had it in him. Looks like the other two are doing alright as well. Who you getting off with?’
‘Ah me, you know me, just playing it cool mate.’
‘What wanking in the toilets with your little porno mags’
‘What, na, na na like, just playing it cool, mate, just playing it cool, they’re all munters anyway.’
‘Munters?! Shall I go over tell them that, yea?’
‘what, na na na na, I did’nt it meant it like, they’re cool, they’r cool’
Why did I say that?
‘So you do fancy one of them then.’
‘What, na like, I just like, you know like’
‘Shutup, man, messing ya pussy. Maybe you can sniff Pidge’s fat fingers later on and speaking of which, Tell Pidge I’ll be seeing his mum tonight, I need to give her some more pubes, and a lot more, know what I mean?! You take it easy bruv’
‘Yea, in a bit Kells’
Well at least Kells wasn’t coming over to join our game.
I slumped back down, in the portal of debauchery that was our bowling booth. Natalie was now on Veejays lap and Helen had her hand on Rich’s thigh. He was sat back with his arms spread over the back of the chair, looking as if this was just a regular, everyday, occurrence; stop it Rich, this never happens, you prick… I stared into the distance, looking at the flashing lights of the corner, when all the arcade machines were. Watching some wideboys playing on Time Crises, wishing I was somewhere else, I was too cool for this place.
‘Stop looking so sad!’
Before I could even reply, Natalie came over and sat on my lap. On my lap. I didn’t fancy Natalie but I did now, she was on my lap! I did’nt know what to do. What was going on? Shit. This was amazing’
‘Look I’m sat on Paul’s lap’
Like a sleeping dog that hears the faintest bark sound in the distance and goes straight into bark mode, I had an instant bonor.
‘Don’t get a bnour bruv’
Veejay piped up.
‘I aint got a bonor, shutup’
I did. Natalie actually looked at me, despite being sat on my lap, we held eye contact for a split second. She knew, I knew, she knew, she didn’t say anything, though and went and sat back over on the girls side. Shit. Where you going? I wanted more, she smelled so nice!
It was a mad feeling having Natalie sit on my lap like that, it’s like it provoked a whole load of senses that I no control over, as well as the bonor, I don’t even know why I got bonor, I wasn’t sexually aroused, or maybe I was, I just didn’t know it. Either way I was back in the game, and suddenly felt so alive, wanting to get involved with everything around me. I wanted Natalie back, even though I still fancied Lauren, I fancied all of them really. Wow. Chicks are amazing. Wait, was that feelups? Does that even count as feelups? Pidge stepped up to bowl and this time only knocked a few pins over
‘unlucky Pidge’
A few minutes ago I would’ve cussed him off, but now I was being positive, everything felt positive. We all cheered when Natalie at last, managed to knocked a few pins down, it was a nice moment, until Veejay quietly pointed out that we only had a few goes left. Shit. Just as things were getting good! We needed to keep this party going, and all we had was our bonors and longing for feelups, and of course, the enjoyment of the company of the girls. Aside from the raging hormones and insecurities, it was something different for us.
So Rich stepped up again, resuming his acting leadership role; really growing into it.
‘So listen girls, we really wonna have a second game but thing is, we had to use all our money in the first game because Pidge and Veejay got robbed in Mcdonalds by Big Kass and Shane O Connel’
This was risky Rich, very risky.
‘Ahhh Pidddgge poor Pidge’
‘and poor Veejay’
I couldn’t believe it, the girls were straight over to Pidge and then Veejay stroking their faces and hugging them. Rich carried on
‘So I had to loan them the money to pay for the first game, which means the second game money was used, so we’ve only got enough to pay for half the game’ Natalie spoke first
‘Ahh rich that’s so sweet you paid for the boys, of course we’ll pay, Helens got loads of money’
Now Rich was getting feelups. And I was feeling left out, what could I say here to get some feelups? And if I didn’t get feelups how could I act to make it look like I was cool with not getting feelups? So I slowly lent back and looked at the ceiling with some faux smile on my face, looking cool right, hating this and transporting myself to a party in the sky where I was the coolest geezer there, with sick trainers and Lauren was my bird and everyone loved us, until I slowly began to tune back in to the world around me, the sounds of bowling balls, screams and laughter and Pidge, catching the tail end of his conversation with Lauren
‘yea, Shane didn’t like my jacket, he’s always tries to bully me… I think it was too cool for him, do you wonna see it?’
‘Yea, I’d love to see it.’
No, Pidge, no. My instinct alarm then sounded in my belly but before I could act, Pidge had crossed back over the threshold, confidence and hormones blinding him. The bag was on the floor, right in front of the girls, Pidge clumsily unzipped it to get his jacket out, and pulled it out too quickly, along with 4 jazz mags, including the Cindy Cooper Christmas special edition of Men Only, which happened to open out on the centre fold of Jo Guest on a table, by a Christmas tree, except for a Santa hat on; Christmas minimalism.
‘Oh my god, Pidge you fucking pervert, why have you got those??’
Immediately Pidge got defensive
‘What, oh they’re not mine, their Veejays’s, he brought them, it’s his bag.’
‘Veejay?’
‘Na, na, I bought them for these boys, one each, remember boys, we seel them innit?’
‘Oh my god, you’re all sad wankers, perverts’
‘Yea you sexist pigs’
Helen, ever the sensible one
‘Why would you bring porno mags on a date you dickheads?’
It was a good question.
But wait, they said date, it was a date.
Then Rich acting like a leader again
‘Ah the thing is girls, they’re my uncles, and I was getting rid of them for him’
He meant well, but this was why he wasn’t a leader
‘So you’re uncles a pervert?’
‘Like, na, but like’
Natalie took decisive action.
‘You’re all perverts and wankers who are shit at bowling and wear crap clothes an spray to much Lynx, don’t worry about that second game, lets go wait for you Mum Lauren’
Rich intervened again
‘ok it was a mistake, you weren’t supposed to see them, come on were having a good laugh’
‘na, you’re sad wankers, go and have a wank in the toilets with your sexist mate Kells’ Lauren was dead quiet, I was worried now
Rich then turned to us, confidently, as the girls walked off.
‘Watch this boys, I got this.’
He tuned to the girls as they were walking away and shouted
‘Natalaie, will you go out with me’
Without breaking a step.
‘Nooooo’
Then veejay
‘Helen will go out with me’
‘No’
Then of course Pidge followed, with the dying embers of his misplaced confidence, not knowing where to place it
‘Helen, will go out with me’
‘Nooooo’
I looked at Lauren, she looked like she was fuming. This was my chance, open goal from Pidge. I was cooler than him
‘Layren, will you.’
‘Fuck off’
Well, at least I got the Cindy Cooper Christmas Edition of Men Only, when we went our separate ways, but I’d left the tight fitting faux designer Athletic boxers in Veejays bag, Lord knows what ever happened to those.
Satellite Stories: EP 5 - A Date With Mates - Part 2