Greetings, bonjour, what’s happening? Welcome to Lager Time. This is the final edition in this series I’ve been writing, based on quotes from Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations book. For each chapter, I selected one quote, then wrote something inspired by the quote. This piece is from Book 12, entitled On Renewal. If you like it, there’s 11 more in the archives. I’m taking a little break for a while, but rest assured I’ll be back soon. Enjoy
P.S – If you’re enjoying this, if you haven’t already, you can subtribe here and if you think someone else might like it, please be sure to let them know. Much apricated, Paul
On Renewal
All that you pray to reach at some point in the circuit of your life can be yours now – if you are generous to yourself. That is, if you leave all the past behind, entrust the future to Providence and direct the present solely to reverence and justice.
To reverence, so that you come to love your given lot: it was Nature that brought you it to you and you to it.
To justice, so that you are open and direct in word and action, speaking the truth, observing law and proportion in all you do. You should let nothing stand in your way – not the iniquity of others, not what anyone else thinks or says, still less any sensation of this poor flesh that has accreted round you: the afflicted part must see to its own concern.
If, then, when you have finally come close to your exit, you have left all else behind and value only your directing mind and the divinity within you, if your fear is not that you will cease to live, but that you never started a life in accordance with nature, then you will be a man worthy of the universe that gave you birth. You will no longer be a Stanger in your own country, no longer meet the day’s events as if bemused by the unexpected, no longer hang on this or that.
BOOK 12 – 1
When I started this little project, back last year, aside from writing the 12 pieces for each of the 12 books, I had no objective; other than wanting to get more out of the books I was reading. It just so happened that I started with this one, which, given the nature of what Meditations is about, is a pretty-nuts undertaking, and probably naive on my part. As is often the case when I get a creative idea in my head, I got excited, and just got stuck-in.
Like most things I’ve done in my life, it’s been ill-thought-out, not very well planned and a bit chaotic. Sometimes, though, good stuff comes out of the madness; that not might have happened if I was better at planning. Had I been well-versed in philosophical-academic studies, and the type of writing that looks at books like Meditations, I doubt I ever would’ve started; for fearing of getting it wrong somehow. Sometimes, I think that about my own writing in general, had I ever studied it as a craft beforehand, knowing me, I’d probably got overwhelmed and sacked it off.
As I read through Meditations, the first time around, I highlighted quotes that I liked, then typed them up into a Word document; as I went along. It was long, it took me months, but worth it. Then, for each piece, I went back through the quotes that I had written for that chapter, selected one that provoked the most thoughts and started typing. Sometimes I’d write down a few suggestions, for things I could write about as the piece progressed. Most of the writing got down on train journeys between Maidstone and London. That’s a good 30 to 40 minute chunk of mostly uninterrupted writing time. That’s about the maximum time that my focus will allow for. Once I’d got it all down and tried to give it a bit of shape; I’d record it.
With the quotes I selected, I haven’t necessarily followed them per se, I’ve mainly just used them as a mental springboard to express a bunch of things, that perhaps I could’ve said, using other, less-revered prompts. This is what I chose, though, and I stick by it.
Underneath all the attempts at thought-pieces, from football to politics, I have been undertaking what I like to think is some deeper work. I’m starting to think, that getting a lot of these thoughts out, many of which have been festering in my head for a long time, was probably a good idea; in the long-run. A bit of a mental-clear-out, to get rid of what I don’t need and hopefully make space for something better.
Letting all that stuff fester, as unformed or messy as it may be, wasn’t doing me any good. By continuously going back to my document of quotes, I’m having to think about how I can actually apply some of these; and a lot of it is slowly starting to seep-in.
I draw for my quote-file in my regular writing practise, which I do most days, consisting of what happened the day before, and what could be improved; what did I learn etc. A pretty standard stoic-style journaling practise; I’ve been doing it for many years in various forms. I have a copy of the quotes-document on my phone, and on my laptop, and my copy of the book sits by my desk; like a reliable and trusted pet dog. Maybe there’s a better analogy I can use there, but I’m just happy that I’ve got it around me; like my dogs (except when they’re barking, whilst I’m trying to record.)
Something that I think is slowly-unravelling, for the better, is my propensity for self-loathing. A few years ago, I headlined a spoken-word gig in Birmingham. I was really excited about this one, not only because it was a trip out of London, but because my allocated set-time was 40 something minutes, which was really rare for me. I was a stage where I’d been performing regularly for a number of years and had amassed pretty-big body of work. A lot of stuff my back then, was narrative-poem-type-stories, so often the pieces were pretty long. The average set-time for a headliner, was normally about 20 minutes, so squeezing-in all the things I wanted to do was difficult. 40 something minutes meant I could finally flex my muscles a bit.
Fast-forward to the gig, though. I did it and it went ok, but not great, nowhere near as good as I wanted. When I was on-stage doing my set, some of which I knew really well, having performed them multiple times, for some reason, I felt like something weren’t right. Both me, and the audience just weren’t connecting with it. There can always be several reasons for this, chief one being, that maybe I was just shit, or it’s the venue, the day, the time, the weather, the crowd or whatever; but they’re all externals. I weren’t happy with what I did.
On the train back to London, going over the set, it dawned on that so much of it, nearly all of the pieces, 40 something minutes’ worth; we’re self-deprecating. I was quite meticulous about putting sets together, taking to make sure there was variety in the themes etc, so how on earth did I miss this one? I then started to question all of my work, and soon realised so much of it was like this.
There’s a strange irony, despite writing all these self-critical pieces, pulling off that sort of a set, I had to have been up inside my own arse - at least a little bit; or just unconsciously trying to present myself a certain way; whilst neglecting the basic mechanics of what I was meant to be doing. Putting on a show, for an audience.
Whilst it’s hypocritical writing this, I’m doing it somewhat objectively. I imagine sitting through that set, for the audience, was probably pretty boring, or even mildly difficult at points; like being sat in the pub with that one guy who’s really negative all the time. Even with the angle of humour, which I use a lot in my work; there’s so much light-relief it can provide.
Now, I know writers, artists and comedians etc are all meant to be troubled and all that, but it’s not always like that. I’m certainly someone who feels the blues, but I’m not always like that. It’s not the only mind-state I have, nor are these negative feelings the only things I feel. I realised I was doing a dis-service, to the audience, the promoter, and me. Sometimes I’m cheery, I’m cheery right now, as I write this. Why haven’t I been tapping into that? As difficult as it may be, it’s worth a shot.
There are good reasons why me, and so many other people are like this; this propensity for self-loathing, but what I won’t stand for, anymore, is just plainly accepting it; as if that’s all I am. What I think I’ve fallen into, is a habit, probably formed over years and years, of tapping into all the negative stuff and presenting this outwardly, which in-turn reinforces the idea that this is what I should be doing. By talking and thinking that way, it’s as if I’m trying to disarm the audience of any threat I might pose. It’s alright, he hates himself, he’s no threat to us.
Let’s have it right, there is truth to a lot of it, all the feeling behind the work is rear. I would’ve thought most artists probably the blues, to a degree, but after all of this, I think I can start to make a concerted effort with what I’m focusing on and choose to explore other areas.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m cynical about a lot of the self-help and kindness stuff out there, but like a lot of post-modernist-social-justice stuff; I think there are somethings of value; worth taking from it. Whilst I’m not about to go out there and make some happy-clappy stuff, like those travelling Christan theatre companies that would occasionally come to my school, and bounce around the stage, but there are certain things I could make more of an effort to explore. Are they interesting? Who knows? What I do know is, reading those quotes from Meditations on an almost daily basis for the last 18 months (as well as other good stuff too) is helping me to reframe my perspective. It’s been a long time coming, mate.
Sometime last year, I was out walking my dogs, of course, going through the usual motions of screwing about this and that; getting myself worked-up about things that I was imagining in my head. The same-old routine. I remember I was by the railway-bridge, which leads down to the river Medway, in Maidstone. It suddenly occurred to me; how lonely all these internal thought-wars make me feel. It’s like I’ve created this little fortress, which I routinely lock-myself into, so I can play-out these scenarios in my head; despite it not doing me any good.
Until recently, I never talked about this stuff because I’m sort-of-embarrassed about it. I also don’t want to waste anyone’s time, with the inner laundry of my head. He says, writing this. Also, crucially, I didn’t want to involve other people, because this way of thinking, was like my own little castle-fortress, my own little party where I was boss. All this caper has been somewhat of a comfort-blanket, but in a very distorted way; like some sort of self-inflicted Stockholm Syndrome.
After I had the realisation by the river, I had another little flash-back to when I was a little kid, I don’t know how old, maybe 8 or 9, but I was pretty young and for whatever reason, not very happy. I remember being in bed, under my WWF duvet, closing my eyes, telling myself, that each night, regardless of what was happening in real-life, I could invent my own little world, in my own-head; where life could be how I wanted it. I did that, probably, every night, for years. I was the best at football, had the latest games console, could handle myself in fights etc, respected on the playground, fancied by girls; whatever mattered to me at the time. Though, I’d nearly always end up sabotaging the fantasies somehow.
Over time, these fantasies evolved, in-line with my growth into an adult. Nighttime became daytimes, school time, work-time, going to the pub time, waling the dogs time, then making excuses to find-time so I could nose-dive into these fantasies.
Of course there’s nothing inherently wrong with imagining stuff, we all do it. Things get invented from the imagination; great ideas are spawned. The imagination is a powerful tool if you know how to use it. It can be used for good; but it can go the other way too. At some point in those nighttime fantasies, the scenarios started becoming negative, nearly always someone screwing me over somehow. It became a toxic mental habit that I’ve indulged in, for a very long time; too long.
The reason why it’s toxic, is one: that is addictive, but two, it requires me to tap-into a lot of these negative feelings and indulge them. Stuff like inadequacy, resentment, loss, self-pity and of course, self-loathing. In the end, I think it isolates me from real-life, and real people and I wind up feeling miserable a lot of the time; yet it’s weirdly addictive. What I’ve figured out, though, it’s that it’s self-perpetuating. It’s like punching yourself in the face, then getting angry about it after, because you’ve been punched in the face. Then, once you simmer-down, you punch yourself in the face again.
During this last year, where I’ve gone down a rabbit-hole and then discovered Stoic philosophy and in particular, Meditations, it’s allowed me to start to undo a lot it. Work-out little prevention and intervention strategies; for when I find myself going in that direction. It’s a slow process, but I think I’m better for it. It’s helping me in my day-to-day relationships. It’s made me realise just how much I find myself being on the defensive, nearly all the time, when talking to people. Conversations are so different when I’m not trying to pre-empt some sort of attack, or feeling like I must project some image across, about who I am; just in case they don’t know. All because of perceived externals, reinforced by these internal imagined scenarios.
The long-and-short of it, I think all this Meditations stuff has been a worthwhile pursuit. Personally. I’ve enjoyed the challenge of writing them and then recording, editing and producing the podcast; whilst staying pretty consistent with it. Regardless of the content, it keeps me writing and recording. I’ve got much better at doing it all; with plenty of areas to improve on, but that’s what’s good about this life caper. There’s always tomorrow, where you can re-group, reflect and then have another crack at it and try and improve on what you’re doing. Those stoic journals help with that.
Well, I said back to last-year I was going to do it, and there’s a lot of things over the years that I said I was going to do, but I haven’t. I’ve done this, now. Large-up everyone that has listened, read and supported it. I’m taking a break for a bit, but I’ll be back. Especially now that I’ve figured how to use the bookmarks feature on Kindle, as well as the original method of a book and a pen; which is super time-consuming. I’ve got 5 books worth of quotes, from stuff I’ve been reading, so far. That, and the usual inclination for stories, poems and music, which is a flame that still burns brightly.
That’s enough from me for now, in more ways than one. I promise it won’t be so self-indulgent next time.
Keep it larger than life
Paul
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