What is my directing mind to me? What am I turning it into now, what use am I making of it? Is it drained of intelligence? Is it divorced and broken off from society? Is it so interfused and welded to the flesh that it sways with its tides?
BOOK 10 – 24
On a number of occasions recently, whilst out walking my dogs, a little robin has suddenly appeared whenever I find myself slipping in to the sort of negative thought-spirals, that tend to wind-me-up; like politics – pretend arguments or discussions with people that have never happened (which always sees me coming on top, silly fantasies – trivial stuff) . It’s a routine I’m well-rehearsed in. But then the little Robin comes bob-bobbin into my eyeline, as if to say wind it in son, there’s better things to be thinking about, you mug. It might be serendipity or coincidence, as it’s spring, but on every occasion I’ve seen this Robin; it snaps me out of these mental swamps; at least temporarily and I’ve manged to raise a little smile a couple of times.
This idea of the directing mind, and taking care over what resides in there, gets mentioned a lot in Meditations. It’s really poignant and just what I need to hear; ideally every day. There’s a part of me, that wished I’d seen that above quote when I was a teenager, mired in paranoia and fantasies, but I probably would’ve ignored it. To take charge of your own thoughts, in a controlled and calm way, as simple and as obvious as it sounds; is revolutionary to me.
There’s probably a load of different ways this quote has been repackaged and spewed out as sage advice – like that Persil advert back in the day, when the dad says to his son, who’s about to run the sack-race at school - PMA – Positive Mental Attitude- followed by that classic line Oh no, my sandwiches. I remember thinking at the time, that PMA was good advice, but I didn’t quite know how to apply it - what exactly does a positive mental attitude mean? What does it look like? What exactly do you need to do? But I was mainly focused on the kid and that classic line; which is probably quite telling. The message was there but not the know-how, or intention to implement it and of course, I was more distracted by trivial things. My Sandwiches – what a great line.
I felt similar later in life, when attempting yoga and mindfulness. Whatever book I read, would always give some sort of vague instruction like just relax, and let it all go – Let it all go??? What the faacack does that mean???! Let what go?! I’m not physically holding anything??? What exactly do I do here? Give me a precise instruction you, smug, fucking…! And that’s pretty much how most attempts at doing any type of mental good-stuff, would end with me.
Writing this reminds me of some of those DIY videos you see on Youtube, I’m sure some of you have wound up watching. They make it look so easy. Some cheery geezer (presumably with a lot of PMA and a box of Persil): with a hammer, a measuring tape, a bag screws and a load of wood laid out in front of him, melty music in the background, he does a couple of bangs, few little jigs of a screw, a bit of paint, few weak attempts at banter; tasty bit of editing, then BOSH – he’s constructed a summer-house, with plumbing and electrics; in 7 minutes. Then we like and subscribe, on command. But where’s the proverbial jam-sandwich stain, because you now there’s going to be loads of mistakes and tricky bits?
I remember doing a gig in my early days as an MC. I was always very short on confidence and full of self-doubt; especially in a hostile environment like that which made it even harder. There one this one guy I knew, who’d come down every month from London. He advised me one night, juiced-up, when I was having yet another wobble, prior to taking the mic You just gotta believe that you’re the best, mate, you’re number fucking one, that’s what you gotta tell yourself – But all I could think was, yea, I hear you, but I’m not number one, though, am I? I’m alright, at best – which was obviously true. I was ok at it, on a good day; but I was realistic. I just thought his advice, at heart, was to get me to lie to myself; I weren’t having it, mate. If I have to lie to myself about something, then to me, that’s pointless because I’d end up inevitably failing, especially in a pursuit as cutthroat and competitive as MCing.
Then of course, there was the tons of self-help books which I read and now online content, instructing you to speak all manor of different positive affirmations like I’m not anxious – But am I though! These things to me also felt false. I’m calm and relaxed – But I’m not though, I never am, I’m all over the gaff, mate, you smug, fucking..! I’d give it a go and just feel like a bellend saying these things, or I’d start laughing to myself at how silly it all sounded.
If all the above tactics work for other people, then fair enough, good for you, but it’s not for me, though. I just all feels disingenuous; and temporary relief at best. There’s no surprise that the self-help industry is apparently worth billions; when all we probably need is a bit of PMA, a box of Persil washing powder and those jam sandwiches will never bother you ever again. But what exactly is the PMA?
When I started reading Meditations and other bits of Stoicism, once it started touching on the directing mind, and how you should focus your thoughts on simple things inside of your control, to me it felt like one of those the days when your PC unexplainably stops working. You get in a mega-stress (well, I do), trying all manor of solutions to fix it, you google a load of these nerd-doctors, until someone casually points out that the kettle-lead is not plugged in. It’s embarrassing, but really it’s a big relief. It was that simple, all along. If I’m thinking about politics, I can stop and think about something else.
There’s been a couple of times, with the help of that little Red Robin, where I’ve just about been able to concentrate my mind elsewhere, and not let it go down those negative thought holes, or, pull it out of one by focusing on something else. Another thing Marcus Aurelius advices, is having a few default thoughts that you can draw for, when your thinking is starting to go a bit pear-shaped. I’m working on that, I’ve not yet figured out what that is, but there’s a farm that I like, near where I live in Maidstone, which I try and think about, because it’s pretty and calm, but I nearly always end up ruining the image somehow, like a load of wideboys doing doughnuts in their souped-up motors, blasting Speed Garage; but I get the idea.
Whilst the solution is simple, none of this easy in practicality, especially when I’ve got myself worked-up over thinking something – the adrenalin is pumping, the heart is racing and it’s a deeply-ingrained habbit. I can to do a few breathing things to get that back under control; which often doesn’t work, so I have to let it die out of its own accord, which can leave me feeling miserable and tired, like I’ve failed. When I get fizzy with those thoughts, it’s like trying to carry a fish bowl full of charged-up piranhas strapped with little dynamite sticks; it takes a lot to calm down that party. But, if I can spot the signs early, like the little Robin has been helping me to do, I can change course, and slip a few sleepy-pills into the piranha bowl.
Recently, we were getting some internet installed in the house. My wife was at work, so I was in charge of overseeing the operation; which makes me anxious. The engineer was trying to work-out where best to plumb in the cable. Almost immediately I started going into panic-mode, stressing that there was a simple and obvious thing that I should know, that my wife would know; but I didn’t. I’ll get it wrong and she’ll be annoyed with me. Calm-it down, son I didn’t see the Robin, but I had to have a little word with myself, bring the focus back and calm it down. We worked out where best to drill a hole and feed the cable through; minimal damage. When my wife phoned me, I explained what was happening and that was that. So why was I getting all stressed? Because I was letting myself get stressed – so I chose not to get stressed. The process wasn’t perfect, but it’s a good start towards getting better at managing these situations.
A lot of what Marcus Aurelius talks is how so many of our problems – like anxiety and stress – are caused by our own internal judgements, as opposed to originating from somewhere external, ie from someone or something else. After absorbing this, I finally got the message that we can allow ourselves to be hurt by something, or we can choose to be offended or hurt by something. Or not. It’s a simple choice. You just gotta put that in practise, and deal with the jam-down-the-trackies moments, when they come along, which they will; in a calm and measured way.
The thing that always confused me, was that if someone annoyed me, I’d get a feeling in my belly, an emotion. You know the one, the one that doesn’t feel good. And because I felt something, therefore I should be angry – or worried, or anxious. But what I’m learning to do, is that if I feel something, that’s ok. I won’t always know what it is and why I’m feeling it, so better to acknowledge it and sit with it, before I do anything rash, or use the feeling as an excuse to retreat into my own head and plunge-deep into the mind-swamp. In the nut department, I can choose how I act and what I then, crucially, go on to think about, the feeling and the thought are feeding each other. It’s the agency. I can choose. My mind, my choice. It’s flipping hard, though.
Some of you might well be thinking Paul, this is obvious, how do you not know this? Which is exactly what I thought, but for whatever reason I didn’t.
Just think, all those years I sat there in jobs I hated, situations where I was miserable, when I was clearly making it much harder on myself, by not exerting control on the content of my thoughts. Where was that Robin when I was working in credit-control for a bank, and bottom of the collection charts? I was probably getting tanked-up, mate
So here we are, 40 years old, having wasted a lot of time stewing in my own internal war-zones, when I could’ve been training, or directing my mind to focus on what really matters, harnessing that PMA. Mate, I’ve got a long way to go; but better late than never. I hope that Robin sticks around, he’s got a bit about him. No chance, mate
If you’re able to, these are ways you can support my work
BUY-ME-A-LAGER
THE SUBURBAN BOOK
My 1st book collection of stories and poems
Beats & Elements: A Hip Hop Theatre Trilogy
2 plays I co-wrote plus Denmarked by Conrad Murray
https://paulcree.co.uk/shop/beats-and-elements-a-hip-hop-theatre-trilogy
Love Scripted @ ACTA, Bristol May 30th
https://acta-bristol.com/whats-on/call-response/#more-24704
Piped Piper show @ Southbank Centre, London 31st May – 2nd June
https://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whats-on/family-young-people/pied-piper-hip-hop-family-musical
‘Oh no my sandwiches’ Video loop
PMA -Persil advert
On Directing the Mind